I Thought I Was So Cool

This was supposed to have been posted last night – June 28, 2016, Monday night. But, our VPN would not work. 

I Thought I Was So Cool.

I thought I had it all figured out. After all, I’ve read the material. I did the training. I’ve been reading up on it for years. Years. I’m in all the informational groups. And hello? I read all the blogs. ALL! THE! BLOGS! Today, I was a sissy. Today, I let tremendous fear creep up on me until my heart was pounding and my chest was burning.  As I carried all of 23 lbs. of cute Chinese babyness on my body, all sorts of horrific thoughts invaded my peace. It was dark. I was choking in fear. My eyes welled up. I couldn’t start crying and hyperventilating right there in the middle of Carrefour in front of our sweet guide. But inside of my head all crap was hitting the fan. I quickly caught up to Luis and gave him the look. He hugged me and asked me what’s wrong and reassured me it was going to be ok. You see, today was finalization day. It was the end of the “Harmonious Period” in which we had the option of not going through with the adoption. Families are given a mere few hours after meeting their most probably very shell shocked child to decide if “this is what they signed up for”. Well, of course you’re signing up for it the moment you agree to adopt. It’s all really unknown. Just like anything in life. You will make an educated guess. But it by no means has to be exactly as you think it will. We sat in an office in front of a judge interviewing us whether or not we were “satisfied with this child” and we also promised to “never abuse or neglect her.” And we were asked to promise never to abandon her. Heavy. Heavy stuff. Of course we won’t. But we really had to promise. What world do we live in? Then we went in front of a notary and answered similar questions. They’re simple answers. But the magnitude of today was just mind boggling. We were back in the same place we were the day before when our sweet girl watched her “Mama” walk out. She was again in silent tears. This is all so emotionally taxing, we don’t really realize it until… 

We were in Carrefour and I was discussing how this is all really overwhelmingly hard. I said I can see why some parents can get so scared that they want to run. Far.  And then all of a sudden, I had images in my head of so many things that I usually don’t sweat over. It just kept spreading and growing inside of me. It was AWFUL! I wanted to go back in time and stay in our cozy home where all was fine in the world. I didn’t want to endure another day in (my beloved) China. I didn’t want to go to the US after. I just wanted to go back home and make some other summer plans. Madinat Jumeirah sounded perfect. And all thoughts intertwined with the fact that it wasn’t a possibility, made me spin. I was sick to my stomach. I just wanted to go to the hotel and rest. We got to our room rather quickly. Our guide said a swift goodbye and I was in the shower (my luxury, my soul food) quicker than anyone can say a word. I washed off make up and the gloomy day. But I was still feeling all the blah-ness. And then I started praying and remembering that when we decided all of this, we did so under specific prayer. We knew that it was only possible for us to get this far because our wonderful God and creator wanted us to. Then why was I questioning all of that? So then I prayed for calmness of my heart and all our hearts and to show us a glimpse of what’s to come. 
I had Mila take her shower while Marli was complaining about being here from the moment we walked in. Refused to remove shoes and put her itty bitty pack on her back. Mila said she had filled the tub for her sister to take a little bath if she wanted to. It was so sweet and it came in very handy. I sat Marli in the warm water and I talked to her. I showed her “splash, splash” and washed her hair. I wrapped her in he cute girly hooded baby towel and then a big comfy hotel towel over it. She was a chunky burrito. I snuggled her and rocked her a bit. I massaged her legs with oil again, dried her up and dressed her. She was ready to go again! LOL. So we decided to go and take a hotel stroll. I stopped by the lobby where I asked a nice attendant if he could provide a baby cot (crib) for our baby. And that when we checked in we had requested a roll away bed and we really needed the crib. We had refused the bed because they were charging us some ridiculous amount. We had ended up bringing the couch over to the edge of the bed and put a king size duvet on it, connecting to where I was sleeping. Made a great little extension with a back. But it didn’t look so nice for everyday use. The crib came in so handy. It’s so cute, appropriate and also gave me that extra feeling of having our baby with us. And, keeps our room tidy by the sofa going back to its spot in front of the TV. After our lobby visit, we went to the children’s playroom. Here Mila and Marli continued Daddy’s game of throwing the foam blocks inside the little house. It was so funny to watch Little One squeezing each and every block with a bit of anger before throwing it. She was really letting her frustrations out. Daddy joined us and we went to visit the gym. It has a sort of dance studio with huge windows overlooking the city. It was nice to be there. While Daddy played with Mila, I was messaging my wonderful childhood friend all of my “concerns”. She was so awesome reassuring me that all was fine and it’s expected for everyone to wig out on this very crazy journey. She really made me feel better and put so much into perspective for me. We went up to the room to receive the crib. After a while of Thumbelina demanding us to take her to Mama to the point of her getting a bit desperate; I decided to tell her that we were in fact going to her Mama’s house. She had been saying “Mammy (me) something something in her language… then Mama (foster mom)” I understood that she was begging me to take her to her Mama. So then I pulled out the phone. Luis immediately said “Don’t show her that.” I said, “I have to. We can’t pretend we don’t know what she’s talking about.” So then she heard her Mama’s voice in the video and came running to see. She started screaming at the screen. I quickly told Luis that it was ok. She needed this. She needed to scream and cry. She needed us to honor her feelings. I let her see her Mama. And watched our itty bitty girl grieve so hard. Her voice was so big at that moment. Then I put it away and hugged her. She cried for a little bit and we distracted her. I carried her lots today in the Ergo. Then I put her down. All of a sudden, she got on the bed to watch what Daddy was doing. On her own. Took shoes off and up on the bed. I peeled a banana and put it in her hand. She ate it all which made me so happy because she hadn’t eaten much the whole day. (She had a few bites of congee and some juice for breakfast. Then she threw up in the way to the appointment. ) Then, Mila and Daddy started watching KaiLan and she did it again. This time, she looked at Mila, smiled and started getting closer to her. Then she reached for Mila’s hand and put it around her and started play hitting Mila’s hand. Mila went along with it and soon they were giggling and laughing. Daddy exclaimed, “she has dimples!” It was the glimpse we needed and a sweet, wonderful reminder for us to trust our Almighty God.